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Parents are back to the farm, which reduces my drive to do anything spooky or religious to nil, unless I'm explicitly told to. Generally being a slacker and trying to de-stress a bit from all the weirdness. Still plenty of work to do between critters and school. Quiet, though. Quiet is good.
I had nightmares last night about unpleasant possible (personal) futures. I very rarely have nightmares, and these were my creeping fears of what could happen to me pulled out and danced in front of my face. I woke up feeling drained and insecure, did chores and crawled back into bed, skipping the two classes I have today. Not very much like me.

Dragged myself back to consciousness at nearly noon, and realized that even if I did the wonderfully adolescent thing and skipped school, I still had grown-up responsibilities for the day which I couldn't put off any longer, namely buying more feed and dealing with an old bank account (one of my last ties to my old name, soon to be gone entirely! Huzzah!)

Quiet, now. It's a cold, gray drizzly day, but quiet.

It's also Wednesday.
The best part about being in school is free (well, after tuition) access to all the scholarly research I can read. I'm hoarding pdfs.

...I am such a nerd.
Success! Rose, the very shy Arab who's our youngest horse and lowest on the pecking-order, finally came up to me on her own and nosed me and let me scratch on her. She's kind-of been "my" horse from the beginning, partially because while she's very suspicious of humans in general, it's much worse with women, and I apparently don't fall into that category in her mind. After having read some of the notes of the woman who tried to "tame" her before we got her, I don't really blame her. She's the one who was stuck in a stall with the latch so rusted shut they had to break her out. :| The other young-ish mare tends to get jealous, so for more work, I may have to get her alone. Whisper, the gelding with one blind eye (ha ha ha) is acting up around me, lately, too, which he hasn't before, probably because I still have some lingering nervousness about working with them, especially with no one else around.

In general, though, things seem to be going well right now. I'm busy but contented. I'm savoring this peace and privacy when and while I have it.

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Alone on the farm for the next week and a half or so, which means roughly double the work I'd been doing, but it's also a pretty big relief to not be tripping over my parents around the house. The one complaint I have is that the fridge is already full of yogurt, and I'm going to be overflowing with eggs soon. I need to figure out more tasty things to do with fresh eggs that are better for me, otherwise I'm going to get fat. The bacon in the bottom of the fridge (and more in the freezer) doesn't help my decision-making much, either...

Last weekend, I went to an SCA event and had a lot of fun. Friday night, I got some really good words of wisdom from a guy so completely wasted on mead that I don't think he knew what he was saying (reports say that by the time they finally dragged him back to his RV he was literally sobbing on the fiddler's shoulder). It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized it probably wasn't entirely coincidence.

Really, it was just a huge relief to be around open-minded, interesting people. It also helped me realize that I'm not the only non-Christian religious person around here, and that I don't really sound crazy to other people who subscribe to similar belief systems.

My insane prof is gone, and has been replaced by a nice young evolutionary biologist. School has suddenly stopped being stressful again. Woot!

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When did my life get so weird that, squeezing some time in between a workout and throwing everyone their evening hay, I had to sneak down to the old church and politely collect some graveyard dirt (all the while trying to come up with good excuses in case the neighbors questioned me)?

I keep getting busier and busier and ending up out of my comfort zone all the time now.

Also, the professor I was having issues with just started acting even crazier, then tendered her letter of resignation. I'm trying not to see Their hands on everything, but I feel like I'm creeping closer to the edge again. All I can think of is that the last time I was feeling this way, I ended up in the hospital, losing my job, and moving cross-country in short succession...

I should post some baby goat pictures. The most recent one is a little doe who's mostly black, except for tiny little white stars. She looks like a night sky. Should name her Nott or Nuit or somethin'. (Girls all get names. Boys don't.)

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Work, appearance changes, and one taboo that I really didn't expect but probably should've. All these things taken together, you'd think I was trying to become a rather solitary monk. A little bit worried that despite keeping on top of all my "normal world" obligations, I'm still going to come off as crazy. Suppose that's one of the risks.

From the Old Man, I've just gotten those prods to do things, but no help, conversation, or any of the reassurances I've asked for (at least from Him. I've found aid elsewhere with my immediate problems). I don't know what this relationship is, nor what I'm supposed to be becoming.

I guess that's the thing that scares me most right now: I have no idea what I'm trying to be. Is all this school just to prove some point to myself? Am I actually supposed to become a doctor or a researcher, or worse: Shaman, M.D.? Am I going to be a dirt-poor crazy person yelling at spirits on the streets or a suave closet-pagan professional or a working artist or what? I'm feeling directionless again, but I've also been given the impression that I should put it all in Their hands for the time being, just move forward one day at a time and entrust my will to Them.

Bah. No use worrying. There's things to do.

Still would like some outside confirmation, but the person I've gone to in the past for objective divination-y things is over in New Orleans now and I probably won't see her until autumn.

Hey Snow, trade you something for a peek at your cards next time you feel like it? Or anyone else out there who can read at a distance?

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I guess I should also offer a little bit of a life update, since my life has changed pretty dramatically since I was last active here.

First, I'm back in school. I'm a biology major and... um... pre-med. I made straight 'A's my first semester, including somehow managing to make one of the highest grades in Calculus III despite not having taken ANY math at all in 5 years. People ask me to tutor them in Biology and Chem.

I also found a local doctor who was open to taking on a transguy, so I'm back on hormones as well as antidepressants, and for the first time actually keeping up with maintenance and blood tests. My body and mind both thank me a lot. I've put on weight, but I blame good cooking. I can also grow a sad little goatee if I don't shave.

Still living on the farm with pretty much the same retinue of animals, though ironically, now that I have less time, I also have more responsibility toward them. I raised a pair of house-goats (I should upload the picture of them stumbling around the kitchen in their goat-coats made out of old dish towels) who are huge and lovely and I'm weaning now. A disproportionate number of this year's babies are black with white spots.

I'm also writing a lot more than I was, and I've sold a couple stories, though admittedly just to semi-pro markets. Still, money is money. I don't have a lot of money otherwise.

Things are busy and difficult, but I'm definitely moving forward, even if I don't feel like it sometimes. I'm amazed how much things have changed in less than a year.

Um. Hi guys. >_>

Well, I'm back. I've gotten over both my sojourn to Dreamwidth and my most recent bout of "OMG I'M CRAZY." I've been lurking a little and reading things and decided I'd post again. Woo.

No one beat me over the head this time, but a few weeks back, Someone whispered in my ear. Except it was that incredibly un-subtle sort of whisper-in-the-ear that either melts you into a puddle or ends with your fist in someone's soft squishy bits, depending on who it is who does it. I was a bit overcome, to the point that I wondered if it had just been some sort of psychotic episode. Still, I sat down and wrote and read and tried to make sense of it. Eventually, I decided to just go with it; to get back to study and at least honoring the Gods without trying to do any real Work or making assumptions about my relationships with Them. To try and be less selfish, I suppose.

Yesterday, after a lot of reading, I decided to make an offering to Frigga, which is something I've never done without honoring anyone else as well. I felt like it was my duty, and something that I should have done a long time ago, especially in trying to build something with Her husband, even if He is the one who contacted me first. I was nervous, but went on with it.

Well, I did.Collapse )
Oh, so. Um. I'm over on Dreamwidth, too, now. http://seidskratti.dreamwidth.org

I'm so bad at keeping up with things. If I get a paid account, I'll probably start crossposting some stuff over here, too.

Life hasn't changed too much, except that I'm writing, now, and submitting things. At least more than I was, at least.

Yeah.